Monday, January 26, 2009

Pressure

From Matt
Mom and Mischelle, at least, will know the Billy Joel song to which this posting's title refers... I, as anyone who knows me well will attest, do not handle stress very well. It takes a bit to get me stressed - I multitask relatively well and can usually completely unwind with a Diet Mountain Dew and thirty minutes of MASH. However, as Cori posted last night, I am now facing one of the most stressful times in my life. I am graduating from law school in May - that, in and of itself, is only moderately stressful. I have to take the Bar Exam in July - again, only moderately stressful. The thing that is eating away at me, however, is the fact that I don't have a job yet.

I know it is easy to say, "It's only January - why are you so worried?" But -- again, as anyone who knows me well can testify -- I am a planner. I like to plan - my day, my week, my month, my semester, my year, my life... I'm a planner. And not being able to make a plan is killing me! I can't plan for Cori's next school year because we don't know where we'll be living. I can't plan for our post-Bar vacation because I don't know if whatever employer I have at that point will let me have another week off. I can't plan for children or a dog because I don't know if I'll have a job that will allow me to support either of them. I can't plan... And it is literally eating me up inside (seriously, I think an ulcer is in my immediate future). I live, as I said in my Facebook status the other day, in a state of perpetual anxiety. I think about this ALL THE TIME! The only relief I get is during Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, ER, and Fringe - a blissful hour at a time without worrying about my family's future...

I received other good advice from my sister - she told me that God has a unique way of taking a person's plans and turning them upside-down to provide something even better. Okay - that sounds great. However, I don't have any plans. I want to know something about my future with Cypert Crouch (the law firm I'm clerking for during law school) so that I can start to make plans for God to turn upside-down! Anyways...

This has also been an amazing example of God trying to get my to trust Him. And I do. I really do trust Him to set my life on the path that He has chosen for me. However, my inner trust seems to constantly conflict with my equally strong inner worry and inner impatience. While I KNOW that whatever happens will be the right thing, I NEED to know what is going to happen "sooner rather than later" (which, by the way, is when my boss told me we would discuss a job).

My dad always said that "worry is interest paid on something that probably won't happen." I, however, still worry. I think it's the C part of my OCD tendancies... I get something -- like my fear and stress over not having a job -- stuck in my mind, and I can't find a way to let it go. So - I'll continue to worry for the time being. And I hope that my friends and family, as Cori asked, will continue to pray for us. A direction, a plan, a sign... Something to set my mind at ease - that's all I really need.

Enough ranting - I have work to do and a potential snow day to look forward to! Maybe the next time I post something, it will be to tell you all that your prayers paid off - we'll see! More later...

1 comment:

Lilly, Matt, and Sara said...

For strict planners like us, sometimes God has to let us sweat a little bit in order to allow us the opportunity to actually have real FAITH. Faith that he will work everything else out. Last year at this time, Matt and I were trying to sell a house, Matt was selling cars (he is not a salesman), I was finishing the MAT, and totally exhausted and streesed and, oh yeah, PREGNANT!! God worked everything out just at the perfect time. We sold the house in this economy. Matt took over the used car website (the internet is his degree area). I finished the MAT and we had a beautiful baby girl!! Relax and have FAITH. I know it easier said than done but if you do you will see the true greatness of God and HIS plans for your life. Trust me they are so much better than what we can plan. PS. We are praying for you!! :)